Hokitika Wildfoods Festival

The coastal drive from Nelson to Hokitika was spectacular. We saw a “weka” - relative to the kiwi—another wingless bird native to New Zealand.

The driving style in New Zealand was unique—John called his tailgating friends “Bumper buddies” as they were “crotch –cruising”. On the way, we saw a sign for “Horse-poo…Semi Rotten 50 Cents a bag”

Our Hokitika B&B was about 10km outside of town in a ranch house owned by a rather strange couple. With the festival weekend, we were lucky to find any rooms at all and we settled into our little room with twin beds. Janice and her husband, Des, ran the B&B—all three rooms. Janice was obviously the ruler of the roost. Des was a sweet, quiet, unassuming guy- Janice’s 2nd husband. Janice had been running a frozen chicken business- where she would take frozen food to the farmers along the west coast. Des evidently thought that he’d get to run the B&B when they opened it, but Janice quickly told him that he’d be taking over the frozen chicken route- and she’d run the B&B.

She was kind enough to offer us a ride to the city center so that we wouldn’t have to worry about parking- or having a drink or two. We stopped by the Visitors Center to get some idea of the schedule of events. The first advice from the girl at the counter: “Leave your dignity at the door”. She laughed and recommended that we attend the “Feral Factor Challenge” that evening.

The event was held in the middle of the main street on a make-shift stage. The 6 contestants were wearing T-shirts with the evening’s planned taste treats. The host of the show was a radio jockey from Ireland who did a great job of describing the foods and encouraging the contestants. The rule-“If it goes out, it must go in again”….”You can dribble, but not spew”.

The contestants took their places.
Round 1 was announced—“Cute , live worms” in a cup. The first contestant, Vanessa- a young red-headed girl, did all she could to keep the worms down…gagging the entire time. All but one of the 6 ate all the worms. It claimed Tracey- as the first one out. 1 down, 5 to go.

Round 2 was “Cow udder with cottage and blue vein cheese”. Don claimed that it was better than the worms. Vanessa, the little red-head was eliminated based on the quantity consumed—unfortunately, she had thrown up most of the mixture- and it was down to 4.

Now, it was only the guys left—Luke,-the good-looking newspaper reporter, Graham-the local cop, Matt, Sheldon-a 33 year old spag moss man, and Don- the Red Moki from Hoki. With songs from the 70’s blaring from the sound system, it was time for …
Round 3- “Bull in a Glass”—bull testicles, penis and brain in bull semen- served in an ice cream float glass. It was too much for Matt and it was down to 3.

Round 4 – Chocolate Bull Shake—pureed bull liver with chunky kidneys. This time, Graham, the local cop, had to use the chuck bucket. When the announcer asked Luke what he would do with the $1000 prize, he said, “Hire someone to hurt you very badly”. The pressure was building and the crowd was going wild for their favorites.

Round 5 – Wild Goat Testicles with special sauce. They brought out pieces of goat scrotum and gave each of the guys a knife to cut out the balls and eat them. Sheldon managed to swallow his balls in 4 seconds…but Don, the Red Moki from Hoki was knocked out of the race. Sheldon described the dish as “the nicest one yet”.

Round 6 – Round- Bug Kebab It was down to three- Graham, Sheldon and Luke. The challenge- a bug kebab- giant waterbugs, huhu beetles and cycada laced on a skewer with olives. They choked down all the bugs and Graham was out.

Round 7 – The Final Round- Twisted Sheep Balls. The crowd was chanting and the final two duked it out. The first one to swallow down all of the sheep balls was Sheldon Kirby- the new champion of the Wild Foods Challenge.

We walked around town and started to sense a growing air of youth out of control. Drinking in the streets, crowds of 20 year olds staggering, yelling. We opted to get one glass of wine, watch the crowd, walked down to see the bands playing- then headed off to catch our taxi back to the B&B.

The next day, Janice drove us back to town to see what the festival was all about. There was a section of “crafts” – mostly tie-dyed shirts and candles. The actual festival was in a huge field with tents selling bizarre and disgusting foods. We decided to skip on the goat testicles and bull semen and head home to some wine and cheese.
It was a wise move….there were stories the next day of a stabbing and craziness in the streets.

When we got back, we shared our stories with Janice and Des. As they were just about to eat dinner, they invited us to join them and we had a good time talking.
Before we said goodbye to Hokitika, we had our breakfast- prepared by Des, with the bikers staying in the other 2 rooms and got a picture of Des and the cows.

On the way out of town, we had to stop to see the most bizarre motorhome conversion. It was a “blokes’ bus” – slept 12 with 6 bunks, rear couch with a sleeping platform above. In the front cab instead of the typical 2 seats, there were 5. One of the guys sported a t-shirt, “I fear no beer”. John was particularly fascinated by the twin front- steerable- axles.

Other memorable sayings:
* “Too old to die young”
* “After you’re 50, it’s not that you think you’ll die, it’s just that you don’t want to spend your time with dickheads”.